I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
