I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
