my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Randomize
