Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
