My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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