So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Watching her eat just hurts me
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
