I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
