I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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