she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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