My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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