Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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