DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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