dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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