Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
