At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
