she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
