your parents love me but you hate me
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
