I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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