I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
