he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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