I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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