shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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