so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
