Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
i drank out of a bidet.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
