I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
