i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
