I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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