So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
