He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
