There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
