It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I wish you could order shots online.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
