Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Randomize
