I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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