i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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