Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
foreskin is a definite game changer
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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