Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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