if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
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