I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
