Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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