Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
