there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
