I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Randomize
