you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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