Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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