plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
