Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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