Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
How does one acquire holy water?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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