There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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