YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
