I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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