Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
