i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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