normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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