i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
