I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
