my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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