Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
