My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
